How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
