guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
