I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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