I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
