absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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