I'm eating all of the evidence.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
