That's intense
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
