Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
