Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
