my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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