Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
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