So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
