I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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