I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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