Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
