grandma shit on top of the toilet
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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