you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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