my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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