I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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