Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Fuck me I smell like cheese
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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