Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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