Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Randomize
