I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Randomize
