Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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