Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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