Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
