dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
