so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
