with your own penis?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
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He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?