I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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