what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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