omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
