How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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