So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
