I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
