I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
