This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
