Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
