Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
