She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
i drank out of a bidet.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
