Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
