I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
