I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
