I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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