If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
