Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
