Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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