She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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