New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
