Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
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Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
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I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
His nipple licking is glorious
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