I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize