Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
