Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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