My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Terrible idea I love it
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
