Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
