are you still at the devil's house?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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