I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
