I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
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Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
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doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work