We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased