I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
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Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
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That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.